| [ |
music |
| |
Red House Painters - I Am A Rock |
] |
I am needy. I am negative. I am too hard on myself. I am not hard enough on myself. I contradict myself constantly. I am in dire need of an attitude makeover.
This entry is all about me and the actions I take and mistakes I make, so stop reading now if you're not interested in my self-enlightenment. But if you keep reading, you just may relate.
I have been in a strange mood all weekend long. Perhaps it's even longer than that. I've been emotionally up and down, up and down like a manic depressive. At one point I'm extremely happy, but within minutes the wrong thing can be said or a mistaken facial expression can be pointed in my direction and it's like a tidal wave has knocked me down. I'm really not sure if I've always been like this, or if I've just become this way for one reason or another. Either way, something's got to change... and it's got to change NOW.
Earlier this evening, as I was sitting in the truck waiting for my boyfriend to come back from returning some curtains, I was looking up at the beautiful apartments in DUMBO (Brooklyn) and feeling green with envy. But just before we had arrived there, Mazhar and I were talking about my consitently negative bickering and I could tell he was becoming annoyed. As I sat there in the truck with nothing but the sound of cars and subway trains to keep me company, my mind raced as I took in my surroundings. "Why I am sitting here and not in that gorgeous apartment?" I thought to myself. Then it hit me. I've been pitying myself far too long. I've inherited the negativity I was raised with, and instead of turning it around into inspiration, I've settled on brooding instead. I looked at the buildings around me and thought about the dreams put into those buildings, the goals and hopes, the inspiration and inspirators behind it. Did those people lean on their problems as a crutch? I don't think so. Do the successful complain or think of the "What if's" and "Why's" and live on regret throughout their days? Probably not. The only thing that does is throw a wall up that you won't ever think you can climb.
I have constantly put a barricade up around me. I'm afraid of the obstacles I face and the failure that could possibly wait for me at the end. I am a perfectionist who hasn't realized that perfection cannot exist. For example, last night I was afraid to play a board game just because I felt I was too tired to play the game well. I didn't want to look dim-witted in front of anyone. A fucking board GAME, people. How utterly ridiculous is that?
And here I finally am with this opportunity to build a great relationship with this extraordinary person, and already I've made so many errors. It's almost like I'm not allowing myself to be happy. Why? I'm not exactly sure. I think deep down inside I have this idea that by allowing myself complete happiness, I'm allowing my identity to disappear and I'll get lost along the way.
As the saying goes, "misery loves company." Ain't that the truth? It's easier for me to write, to be inspired, to be creative when misery strikes me down. I think I'm afraid to let that go.
Well, not anymore. Instead of crying that I never got the chance to really go to college, I'm cleaning my credit up and finding a way to get there myself. I may already be 24, but it's better late than never. The writing projects will get more attention. The sites will get completed and my goals WILL be in focus. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself. I'm tired of complaining. I'm tired of putting everything off because I don't feel I'm ready. Life is something not to fear, but to embrace. It's an investment I've ignored far too long. Happiness may be right around the corner, but I've got to find the directions first. And no complaining if I get lost. Everyone gets lost from time to time, it's allowed. But what's not allowed is disabling myself from getting back on the right track.
When I walked into my apartment earlier, I caught myself as I was bickering at my roommate for moving the antenna out of my bedroom. When I replayed the situation in my mind, I realized how petty it sounded. Fighting with my roommate just because he wanted to watch the game? Come on now. That's just plain stupid.
Tonight is the start of a new path. If you are where I am right now, maybe you can walk with me. Starting this week I will not allow anymore negatives in my vocabulary. No more "I can't" or "I'm not." Being a writer, I realize that words are a very powerful tool. Even when thinking them, they can change your whole train of thought. If I eliminate the negatives and focus only on the positives, I feel things will improve drastically.
To that I say, "I will."
|
